The Frightening New Normalcy of Hating Your Body
by Courtney E. Martin
ages: adult
First sentence: “I have carried this book around inside of me for years.”
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I was conflicted while reading this book. On the one hand, it’s chock full of useful and relevant insights — my library copy is fairly dog-eared, and at times I thought that this would be one that I’d like to own. On the other hand, I felt like a foreigner in a strange land. Martin kept talking about “my generation” and “my parents generation”, and I’m sandwiched between the two. I can relate to some of the issues with the body that Martin pointed out as “common” among women — either in myself or in my friends — but, either I/we are in a much better place than “most” women, or maybe it’s just with the women Martin knows and younger that these issues of hating ones body are prevalent.

That said, this book did scare the hell out of me when it comes to raising my girls. There’s SO much that can go wrong with raising girls, and much of it is placed on the shoulders of the mother. (Though, much to my satisfaction, there’s a chapter on the influence fathers have in the lives of their daughters. Which I made Hubby read.) And so, while I was reading it, I was hyper sensitive to everything my girls did. (I even asked them straight up what they thought of their bodies; both M and C looked at me funny and asked if I was feeling okay.) I have to give Martin credit for tackling all the tough subjects: not just the out-and-out eating disorders, but all the gray area in between. Porn, guys expectations, pressure we women give each other, the drive for perfectionism, exercise, college, high school, sex, faith (or lack thereof). It’s all out there, candid and honest, and Martin discusses how all of it relates to how we look at our bodies.

This book is imminently accessible, which is both a positive and a negative. Positive, because it’s mostly a series of personal essays, vignettes about Martin, her friends, and the girls (and men) she talks to. This approach makes a tough subject interesting, or at least not-boring, and she keeps you turning pages. However, the drawbacks are that Martin lacks authority, which makes the book easier to brush off. Sure, she quotes psychologists and scientists, but the book lacks weight. It’s easy to feel as I did: these are other people. These are people she knows; it isn’t my world.

I’ll leave you with a little taste of the book, a few quotes from the many pages I turned down:

Our bodies, our needs, our cravings, our sadness, our weakness, our stillness inevitably become our own worst enemies. It is the starving daughter within who must be shut down, muted, ignored… eventually killed off.

Being thing may get you noticed, but it will not get you seen, and it will never get you truly, fiercely loved. Only all four dimensions of your beauty — spirit, soul, mind, and, yes, body — will get you that. Both men and women are trapped in this maze of self-scrutiny, weight or shape preoccupation, preening and primping, searching and spending. But love doesn’t dwell at the end of this maze, even if you do find your way through…. There is no one-size-fits-all beauty, no perfect girl, no ideal guy. There is only a fit, plain and simple and miraculous.

True health is “the middle path,” along which control is sometimes lost, sometimes won, without much fanfare. There are unexpected and delightful detours along the way. There is no “good” or “bad”, only “right now” — tastes, moods, the occasional craving, like different kinds of weather, all welcomed and satisfied without judgment,. True health is balance. Balance is freedom.

You know what is really, powerfully sexy? A sense of humor. A taste for adventure. A healthy glow. Hips to grab on to. Openness. Confidence. Humility. Appetite. Intuition. A girl who makes the world seem bigger and more interesting. A girl who can rap. A loud laugh that comes from her belly. Smart-ass comebacks. Presence. A quick wit. Dirty jokes told by an innocent-looking lady. Hooded sweatshirts. Breakfast in bed. A girl with boundaries. Grace. Clumsiness. A runny-nosed crier. A partner who knows what turns her on. Sassy waitresses. Pretty scientists. Any and all librarians (okay, maybe this is my issue). Truth. Vulnerability. Strength. Naivete. Big breasts. Small breasts. Doesn’t matter the size, they all fascinate. A girl who can play the blues harp. A girl who calls you on your bullshit but isn’t afraid to love you inspite of it. A storyteller. A genius. A doctor. A new mother. A woman who realizes how beautiful she is.

Here’s to accepting our bodies.